Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
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