TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize