1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
