I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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