And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
