Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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