I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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