Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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