So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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