OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
