I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
