Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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