Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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