you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
