to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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