At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
