A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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