Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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