Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
