You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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