Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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