it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
