You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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