Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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