Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the day after is always just damage control
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
