I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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