True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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