why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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