Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
