Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
