And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
