I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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