Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
