a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize