my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
