Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
