You work out of a Hotel?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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