you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
