it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
