ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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