they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
