Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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