I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
