Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
