He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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