half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Randomize
