you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
