I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
