god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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