Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
