you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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