I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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