Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
