If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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