The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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